He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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