when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
