I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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