My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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