we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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