I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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