I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
