P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
