I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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