How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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