whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
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She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
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he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.