just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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