i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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