No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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