All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
