so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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