He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
