I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
