Don't make out with my wife yet
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
