i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
