ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You took a bar mat shot.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
