Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
