Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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