FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
