U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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