I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Text me some of your sweat
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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