I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just want nice things and good sex
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
