Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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