pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
