WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I met the friendliest cop last night
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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