Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
