I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
