i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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