My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
