Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
