thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You took a bar mat shot.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
