I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
