So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
