You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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