The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
