She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Randomize
