My Higher Power is John Stamos
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
