We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
