Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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