Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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