how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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