I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Drunk is a universal language darling
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
