New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Randomize
