I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
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Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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