I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
