You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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