my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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