I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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