Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
