So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
