You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
