We won't sleep together?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
