I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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