Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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