I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
