btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
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just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
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Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
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