She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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