If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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