peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.