You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
